Relationship

10 Unexpected Relationship Tips

Categories Lifestyle

Relationship

Alexandra Carlton nominates 10 things men think women don’t like, that they actually do.

  1. When you come too fast during first-time sex. The first few times you have sex with a woman, you’re under no obligation to visualise someone’s grandmother lovingly sponging your scrotum to hold back the tides. An early exit in the early days signals that you find us so devastatingly attractive, you couldn’t help yourself. But we’ll expect things to pick up. By the third or fourth session you’re going to have to conjure the old girl back. Soap him up, Mavis.
  2. You paying on the first few dates. A couple on a first date waits for drinks at the bar, each nervously fingering their wallets. He’s thinking: “I want to pay, but what of the current feminist clime?” And she’s thinking: “It’s sweet for him to pay but what if he thinks I share Heather Mills’ views on wealth acquisition?” Screw the bra burners. From now on, let’s roughly split costs early on, but let a little extra fall on your shoulders for chivalry’s sake.
  3. Your belly. It’s fine for you to slack off in this area because it tells us we can, too. I don’t care if that’s true or not. Make it true. I’m not writing this list just to help you guys out, you understand. I’ve got to look after my team, too. Proportional guts for men and women in a committed relationship are a basic human right.
  4.  A house cluttered with games consoles and sports equipment. Boy paraphernalia of this kind is cute. It’s pleasing evidence of your blokiness. At your house, anyway. If it makes its way to any house we share we’ll make use of its unique decorative properties. Inside cupboards. In someone else’s house. Someone we hate.
  5. Mundane sex. If you constantly want sex that involves us scissoring our legs frantically behind our shoulder blades, the day will come when we’ll lift our head wearily from between our own buttocks and hobble out the door. Our bits are designed to connect to your bits without alien keys and WD40.
  6. When you love your mum. The mummy’s boy. So I scorned. So unfairly maligned. In fact, we like to see evidence that you know how to treat women with respect. We’ll even help you choose her presents — a doubly generous act on our part as it will furnish you with a thorough understanding of the sons of things we’d like as gifts. Just don’t start loving our mums too much. That’s not the threesome that has or will ever enter our minds.
  7.  Massive cars. You know what they say. Big car=small chance of us not backing into a pole when we borrow it to go to the shops.
  8. Doggy clothes. Faded high school football jerseys, old boxers held together by nothing but hope. There’s something so rumpled and boyish about them that our little heartstrings crescendo into an orchestra of love at the sight. Plus, we like to put them on, flattering ourselves that their tattiness highlights our otherwise glossy, fragrant selves.
  9.  Proposing without getting our father’s permission first. Give Dad a wide berth. He may warn you off.
  10. Skidmarks on your undies. Aw. It reminds us of babies. We love babies. Sweet, defenceless, bowel-oblivious babies. Cute! Oh my god, you sicko, I’m kidding. If you got excited by this one you will never ever have a girlfriend. Poo pants.