You won’t believe these seven items actually exist . . .
Clip-on man bun
Combining two of fashion’s greatest travesties — the man bun and the hairpiece — in one convenient package, this $9.99 accessory is perfect for the modern man who can’t wait a couple of months to trash his look.
The Cut Buddy
Joshua Esnard invented The Cut Buddy when he was just 13 years old — now, 15 years later, the Florida State University finance student has turned his gadget into a No.1 best seller on Amazon. The $15 template, which looks like the set square you used to carry in your pencil case to year eight maths class, is designed to help you trim your hairline and beard in between trips to the barber.
Stick this in your stocking this festive season if you want to turn your whiskers into a something that looks like it belongs on the Christmas tree. Containing the oil, glitter and bib you need to bedazzle your facial hair, Firebox’s £14.99 Glitter Beard Kit does carry one warning: not suitable for men who can’t grow epic beards . . . or who have even the vaguest interest in not looking like a complete and utter flog.
Hair in a can
If you’re losing your feathers, you’ve got a few options: whip out the clippers for that Jason Statham look, Advanced Hair (yeah yeah), a presidential comb-over . . . and spray-on hair. Mane Australia claims their product attaches “organic micro-fibre ‘hairs’ to your own, covering unwanted bald and thinning areas”, which won’t rub off in wind or rain. Fool proof!
Ab sculpting gel
Keen on that perfect six pack but the thought of crunches and sit-ups makes you break out in a cold sweat? Well, this Lab Series gel doesn’t promise to transform your gut from Homer Simpson to Channing Tatum, but it does claim to “tighten, firm and smooth the appearance of the mid-section” with a concoction of caffeine, creatine and soya protein.
Add this to your date night checklist. Brush your teeth? Tick. Brush your hair? Tick. Brush your penis? Tick. Wait, what? Well, there’s no polite way of putting this, but the Willybrush (yes, that’s its actual name) promises “confidence for him and her” by wiping away any unpleasantness from the tip of the penis with a goat-hair product that’s identical to a shaving brush . . . just don’t confuse the two.
And if the Willybrush doesn’t work, mask the pong with MANHOOD Penis Refresh, a liquid you apply with a towel before letting it air dry to enjoy that fresh, new-cock smell.