Denim options are more varied than ever but there’s certain looks we really don’t rate…
Here’s a simple rule: the moment you spot a rhinestone on an item of clothing, chuck it straight back on the rack. An extension of that rule: the moment you spot ‘Ed Hardy’ or ‘Von Dutch’ on a pair of jeans, chuck it straight back to 2003. These glittery, garish assaults on the eyeballs are to denim what Lynx Africa is to fragrances.
You don’t look like some flower child of the ‘60s or John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever — you look like a charity shop dumpster diver wearing a pair of navel-hugging jeans riding so high they’ve produced a can’t-drag-your-eyes-away display of male camel toe (or moose knuckle).
The ugly, dim-witted, Trump-voting cousin of the flare — no matter how many times they threaten to make a comeback, the baggy bootcut jean continues to scream ‘I’ve given up on even trying’. A favourite of blokes who believe ‘skinny jeans are for poofters’ and prefer flaps of fabric puddling over the laces of their square-toed shoes.
That’s a contraction of ‘jean shorts’, for those of you lucky enough to have avoided crossing paths with this crime against fashion. Makes the wearer look like a 12-year-old boy who’s still dressed by his mum, especially when partnered with white socks and joggers. Opt instead for for a tailored short or a fitted jean — not the Bart Simpson look that should’ve been left behind back in the days when the Simpsons were still churning out decent episodes.
The perfect style for the modern man whose thighs and shins need some protection from the elements, but their toasty knees are absolutely gagging for some fresh air. Routinely accompanied by distressed detailing, a ‘sk8er boi’ design on the back pocket, and frayed hems dragging along the ground for that sought-after ‘background extra in a Green Day music video’ look.
Blue jeans are your casual all-rounder, dark denim is slimming, black jeans gives that rock dog vibe . . . that’s plenty of variety without resorting to a mustard-coloured pair more commonly spotted on cashed-up 65-year-old yacht owners or white ones seen on knob-head Jersey Shore lookalikes obnoxiously guzzling vodka Red Bulls in tacky night clubs.\