Are Your Jeans Killing Your Sperm?

Categories Fashion

Scientists have taken a break from curing cancer or solving world hunger to discover that sperm counts have drastically fallen over the last 40 years . . . and there’s an item of clothing sitting in your wardrobe that could be to blame.

Researchers at scientific journal Human Reproductive Update have found that the average sperm count of blokes in North America, Europe, Australia and New Zealand has been slashed in half since 1973 due of a variety of factors like diet, smoking, and chemicals the modern man comes into contact with.

But one scientist isn’t afraid to point the finger squarely at one culprit: skinny jeans.

“There are things in a man’s life that will change how his testicles function,” says the University of Sheffield’s Allan Pacey, a Professor of Andrology (a fancy way of saying he knows a hell of a lot about jizz). “But the single biggest risk factor for how many swimming sperm he produced each day was whether he is wearing tight pants or loose pants . . . Skinny jeans? I guess they’re the fashion.”

The theory is that nut-hugging skinny jeans are squeezing the life out of your swimmers by pushing your pills closer to the core of your body. Sperm thrives in testes that are a couple of degrees below your body temperature of 98.6, which is why your balls dangle a little lower away from your body.

Any extra heat they cop — sitting in a sauna, beneath a laptop, or trapped in jeans so skinny they make Russell Brand’s look baggy — chips away at our capacity to produce healthy sperm. Heat diminishes both the quantity and quality of swimmers we produce — so instead of having millions of Michael Phelps splashing around, we’re only left with a handful of Eric the Eels.

The good news is that damage is only temporary — your production line gets back to normal after three months of looser pants — and you can boost your fertility by consuming less coffee, alcohol, and cigarettes and grabbing more exercise, sleep and fruit and veggies (sounds boring).

And the health risks of skinny jeans don’t end there — tight trousers are a recipe for fungal infections, bladder weakness, urinary tract infections, and even twisted testicles (google ‘testicle torsion’ at your own peril).

So it should come as a relief that after a decade obsessed with uber-skinny jeans, a more relaxed fit has returned to favour. Your testicles can thank you later.