Trump’s got our nomination – for worst-dressed politician.
He Makes Classy Look Cheap
Donald Trump wears Brioni, the Italian maker of gorgeous suits, but he buys them off the rack and doesn’t bother having them altered. The result is that his jackets are always loose fitting and long in the arms, which renders his genuinely classy clothing as cheap-looking as his own range of clobber (see below). As P.J. O’ Rourke memorably put it in The Daily Beast last year: “Trump’s suits have a cut and sheen as if they came from the trunk sale of a visiting Bombay tailor staying in a cheap hotel in Trump’s native Queens and taking a nip between fittings.”
Colour Coded Caps
In a recent New York Times article, one of Trump’s long-serving employees revealed how the man signals his mood through the awful trucker and baseball hats he insists on wearing just about everywhere. “If the cap was white, the boss was in a good mood,” the poor minion explained. “If it was red, it was best to stay away.” Pro-tip: if you’re watching the news next year and President Trump wears a red cap to a crisis meeting with the Iranians, it’s time to head to the fallout bunker.
Tie One On
Whether you like solid colours, stripy numbers or, God forbid, novelty designs featuring Daffy Duck, there’s still one thing all tie wearers can agree on: that the tip should only reach your waistband. Go any longer and you risk looking you’re trying to compensate for something. Which Trump does every time he wears one of those phallic pendulums that swing waaaaay down to his crotch. Manhood matters weren’t helped last month when the presidential hopeful used his campaign podium to talk up the size of his member. Please – don’t even think about what’s implied by Trump’s choice of bright red ties.
Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?
Trump has promised to ditch his combover if he makes it to the White House because tending to his trademark tufts is too time-consuming. But it’d be the world’s loss because not since Jennifer Aniston rocked “The Rachel” has a hairstyle caused such intrigue. Is it a combover? A toupee? A well-trained echidna? The result of flap surgery he had for baldness? None of the above, says Trump, who insists he’s all natural. “OK, what I do is, wash it with Head and Shoulders,” he told Rolling Stone in 2011. “I don’t dry it, though. I let it dry by itself. It takes about an hour. Then I read papers and things. … I also watch TV. OK, so I’ve done all that. I then comb my hair. Yes, I do use a comb. Do I comb it forward? No, I don’t comb it forward. … I actually don’t have a bad hairline. When you think about it, it’s not bad. I mean, I get a lot of credit for combovers. But it’s not really a combover. It’s sort of a little bit forward and back. I’ve combed it the same way for years. Same thing, every time.”
You Can Be Dressed By Donald!
Despite ample evidence that Trump is a human fashion faux pas, he has nevertheless flogged his own range of suits, ties and shirts for more than a decade. Though his recent racist policies saw American department store Macy’s drop his line, Trump’s menswear can still be had from Amazon at prices that are comparable to what you’d spend at… Lowes. Outrageously, given that Trump takes every opportunity he can to slag off American businesses making their goods in China, his clobber is all… yep, you guessed it… made in China. But even more surprisingly…
Americans Voted Him A Fave Fashionista!
In 2005 a US poll ranked Donald Trump as one of the most trusted names in fashion. A survey of 500 adults asked them to rank the brands across a range of products and industries. When it came to clothing, Trump’s fashion line was in the top five alongside Chanel, Isaac Mizrahi, Ralph Lauren and Victoria’s Secret. That put him above Valentino, Armani, Donna Karan, Dolce & Gabbana and Stella McCartney. Think of it as an early warning of what was to come – and further proof that Americans who vote for him need a check up from the neck up.